*This post will most likely be a little unorganized. I'm venting a little.

I quit. I quit at so many things that I rarely ever get a chance to see if I could have made it at whatever I was trying for. Whenever I feel as if I am not good enough or if I am going to be judged, I tend to throw in the towel. That's exactly what I feel like doing right now. At the moment, I am very unmotivated to continue trying. Trying at what? It's the summer program that I have mentioned every-now-and-then during a post - The Joyce Ivy Foundation. It is something that I have been working at for a few weeks now. The problem is that only today I became very unmotivated. I started to feel as if I am not good enough for the program; I started to feel as if I what I have to say in my paper is stupid. I don't know. It does sound stupid, but it is just how I feel. I psych myself out of things, and I am tired of it.

Feeling as if I cannot do what I so passionately want to do really makes me want to cry. It happens far too often, that I just give up. I have missed out on too many opportunities because I figure that everyone is better than me, and I will never get selected. I get that there are definitely people out in the world that are better than me. Moreover, I need to realize that I can be just as good as them, and I can get a few things that I desire if I just try. 

I think a part of me being afraid to put myself out there is because of my social anxiety and fear of being rejected. This fear is one of the worst parts of my life. It really sucks! I suppose that is a factor in why I am so shy in life now; it is because {I am putting minimal blame on my parents here} whenever I got scared or decided to back out of something because I did not want to hear "NO", my parents did not push me. Maybe it was because I was so young. Who knows? Or maybe it could be because of the one time that I really wanted something, yet did not get accepted. Yeah, yeah, it was once, but that one time meant a lot to me, and it made me even more afraid to try for anything else. Once again, who knows? But one thing that I do know is that it sucks to be almost sixteen, yet still afraid to hear "NO".

College is only two years away from me. TWO! And I understand that I will hear no from some colleges. I get it. That does not make it a good feeling, though. I still feel that pit of fear in my stomach. That's kind of - well, no, that is the reason why I want to get over this stupid fear of putting myself out there. I need to recognize that I will never get a chance to hear yes if I do not put myself out there.

It sounds so easy while writing this. Like I just need to stop acting like a big baby and send out for programs that I would love to be apart of, or go find a random stranger and introduce myself and suddenly meet new friends. It sounds so. darn. easy. But it isn't for me. I am scared - terrified, even. I don't like the word no. It makes me feel as if I am not good enough. And I don't want to feel like that, but I don't know what to do. Once again, I am afraid to talk to my parents. I feel as if this is so stupid. Why is hearing "NO" so hard for me?

Screw the other "goals" that I have made for the new year. The one that I am going to focus on from here-on-out is to not be afraid to put myself out there and hear no every once in awhile. After all, a yes is bound to come out of it at sometime....hopefully.

Are you afraid of hearing no? Do you have any advice for me?

{I swear, this post is so contradicting. I am negative, yet attempt to motivate myself. Ugh. Why am I so difficult!?}